Although intuitively, you really, really don’t want to HUG your LD teenager, do the opposite. Researchers from University of Miami’s Touch Research Institute recently reported, “North American children and adolescents are dangerously touch-deprived…. If monkeys are deprived of touch, they kill each other.”

Boy that made perfect sense to me as a mother of an LD teen.

The problem though, is that while all teens are tough to touch, LD teens are exponentially so.  Who the heck wants to step into the energy field of a kid that is moody, and down. A kid that seems to make the conscious decision every morning to see the glass as half empty. A kid who is aggravated over every little thing, taking friendly ribbing by friends literally, and so spending big chunks of his days angry and defensive with various people.  A kid that seems to be oppositional with our advice just for the heck of it.

Of course, that very LD kid is in exponential need of a hug or kind touch. He is what he is, because he has a lifetime of frustration under his belt by the time he hits his teens.  He especially needs those kind hugs at home, because there is very little opportunity for him to get “hugs” outside in the real world. Unlike all the other kids at school, the LD child never gets “hugs” in the classroom, by the teacher praising him.  He never gets “hugs” in the playground, by being the one picked for a team.  He never gets “hugs” from a large circle of friends, because he doesn’t have that. And then, with hormones hollering for touch and affection, the LD teen faces low odds of a girlfriend.

So how to introduce this touching and hugging where it is so desperately needed?  My experience was that just like Rule #1 (“Always give-in to your angry LD teen”) — it is easier than you would ever think. But before I get to the “how”, let me share what happened to me. I see myself as a passionate and loving mother of an LD son.  And yet, on many occasions, I have opted to completely avoid my son for my own self-protection. I reach the point where I just can’t take anymore. I am so exhausted by the exponential drama, and tussle, and seemingly senseless oppositional behavior to my offerings of help, that I have difficulty just being in the same physical space.  I have actually pulled away or said the ever popular, “I love you but I do not like you.”    (See a heart-wrenching video that may remind you of early days). But self-protection is another blog.  And obviously I should have done the opposite.

Because here is the really “Big Secret”:

It is absolutely impossible to dislike your moody, negative, oppositional, behavioral teen when you hug him all the time.  The words, “I love you but I don’t like you,”  no longer make any sense.  Because hugging keeps me “liking” my son pretty much all the time, no matter how badly he is behaving.  And blissfully, visa versa. He likes me.  Even when we are arguing, our communication is more respectful.

So now to the “how”. It was remarkably easy and rewarding. In our home, once Rule #1 (“Always give-in to your LD teen”) was instituted bringing  peace and kindness abruptly and immediately to our home, I and my husband deliberately upped the frequency of touching and hugging my son, pretty much whenever he walked by us. My husband is particularly good at stepping in for a guy’s bear hug even when my son is agitated.  It is magic. My son’s mood improves instantly, and often he’ll break into a sheepish smile and relax into the hug. Everyone relaxes.

Because it was harder for me to reach up and “take” a hug from a 6’2” frame, I started by rubbing my son’s arm or shoulders when I passed by him sitting.  And so it went, we hugged when my son came home from his part-time job bristling with the day’s little frustrations. And when he was in the kitchen making a sandwich. Or just passing in the hall. And at 19, my son started walking into rooms with arms extended for whoever was nearest.  I have discovered the remarkable secret that every parent needs to know: it is very hard to dislike someone you touch kindly and frequently.

I  do warn you that without constant vigilance, life steps in and interferes.  As things get more relaxed around our house, and as our family steps up the pace because our energies are freed up from all the anger, we stop pausing for the hug. We start taking the good relationship  for granted.  Or worse, when my son went into college residence, it was suddenly “uncool” to do anything but shake his dad’s hand as we left. So we must remember to do extra hugging when we are away from the peer pressure.

Because I love the feeling of always liking my son.

(LD Rules of Parenting Series: Do the opposite? 19 years of parenting my LD son have shown me that Parenting LD kids is often diabolically counter-intuitive. It can be the opposite of expert parenting advice. My personal experience with severe teenage behaviorial issues was that expert parenting advice was absolutely the wrong approach for my LD son, and did damage both to him and to our relationship. I needed to do the opposite.)

I hear the ads on the car radio.  They are directed at the desperate parents of angry, out-of-control teenagers. The voice promises, “If you buy this discipline program, it will solve your toughest teen behavioral problems. Guaranteed.”  Gosh, this sounds awfully tempting to us parents of  those extra-frustrated, extra-angry LD teens.  I think back 3 years to when the learning disabled teen in my house was angry, physically acting out, and a 6’ male. The stress at home was pretty unbearable. I think of other LD families I know, where the teen put his fist through dry-wall.

At that time I researched for help on parenting. I found programs and leading experts advising parents to set firm rules with clear consequences, and then hold tight. Faced with furious teens, parents were to calmly repeat over and over, something like: “My job is to help you become a responsible adult.” It was expected the teen would rail against the rules, and some experts even described the stages of fury the teen would progress through. But eventually, the teen would settle down and accept the fact that a) resistance was futile, b) because the parents were standing firm. As such the teen would learn to submit to the house rules.

Well that did not work at all with my LD son. My personal experience was that the approach damaged both my LD son, and our relationship.  I discovered that with LD, we needed to do the opposite:  No rigid rules.  No consequences. No parents holding firm. No teenager railing. Just parents giving-in.

Here is why I think LD teens need the opposite approach to what may work for your average teen:

Your average teenager is angry because the rules are interfering with his immediate goal: he is “entitled” to a trip to the mall right now.  His self-esteem tells him he “has rights” and as the joke goes, “he can call Children’s Aid to make his mom drive him to the mall, even if his laundry isn’t done as he promised”.  His goal is to get to the mall now because he deserves it.

The LD teenager, on the other hand, has no self-esteem after some 13-18 years living with Learning Disabilities.  The LD teen has profoundly learned  he is powerless against an unfair and punishing world, day in day out. He is sick and tired of losing every battle in the outside world. The mall is secondary. The LD teen is desperate not to lose yet another life battle. His goal is to win. His fury is at the unfairness of his whole life.

Ironically, as a parent, I often found myself saying those exact words: “What is it with you? Why do you always have to win? Just follow the rules,(ie. lose the argument every now and then) and just do the laundry, and we’ll all get along better. Its only laundry.”  It wasn’t only laundry.  Another tip off  that more than the mall was at stake, was the level of fury .

So, whereas the average teenager can take being humbled every now and then on the issue of getting exactly what he wants ie. immediate transportation to the mall, the LD teen’s self-esteem cannot stomach even one more loss, and especially not in his one safe place in the world: home.

This is what happened to me:  I remember holding firm to the rules and consequences, only to watch my 6’, LD son, a young man, completely melt down at the laundry machine. By the end of the furious storm, both he and I were destroyed. Broken. For what? I asked myself as we both tried to pick up the pieces, and affirm our love for each other. Who wants to parent this way?

So 19 years of experience leads me to suggest an approach that worked like a miracle in our home. It reduced tension, improved our day to day relationship, and built my LD teen’s self-esteem. Do the opposite:

Always “give-in” to your LD teen or child.

• Completely give in. Easy. Whenever you feel tension rising, immediately say, “OK, Yes I’ll take you to the mall. The laundry can wait. Love you.” The goal is to make sure your LD teen at least wins at home.  Again and again.
• You also build self-esteem by showing you love and value them too much to force them, or to yell at them.
• Later, build more self-esteem by respectfully asking for and listening to their opinion of how to solve the problem. Given room to think, your LD teen may surprise you within hours or days.  Mine did.

In summary, rules and consequences are always the starting point, but are never rigidly enforced. We found it much easier to deal with an LD teen with self-esteem at least in his home life. Doing a little extra laundry for a short while was far preferable to self-esteeem meltdowns. The bad teenaged behavior in our home abruptly and amazingly stopped.  Our family became more relaxed and loving. As my wise husband says: “Loving right now is easy.  Guilt down the road will haunt you.”

What I most longed to hear,  during my son’s first 18  years with LD, was , ”It is going to be all right.  I promise”

If I could have believed that, the challenging journey may have been easier for us all. But when I looked around there was no community support to tell me that.

So maybe this blog can give you  peace of mind in that regard.  While I do not have all the answers,  I can tell you that after 18 years, things are indeed “all right”.  By that I mean there is often love and peace and joy and hope.  ( I say, “Often” because we are talking teenager here.)  And that is enough. In fact it is plenty, considering my worst fears early on. The 18-year journey has shown me that all of us have “broken wings”.  My son’s broken wing happens to be LD.  And it will be all right.

After 18 years of reflections, here are my top 6 tips to get to there.  I think these tips  may have applicability for many neurological/developmental disorders such as LD, Autism Spectrum, Aspergers, ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia, Anxiety, Depression, OCD, Anger control.

1 ENGINEER AS MANY SUCCESSES AS YOU CAN. With parental support,  my son experienced success after success in the formative 13 years when school is the heart and soul of childhood existence (Kindergarten to Grade 12). This was good, because 13 years is a long time.  Especially if you’re not winning some. Our priority was to help my son do his best to pass all assignments and tests.  Even if he just barely passed, he could hold his head up in his peer group.  My son graduated against all odds, having 13 years of built-in-belief that he could succeed at anything that came his way. Where do parents find the time? That’s another blog.  Sadly, most of my son’s LD friends spent these same 13, long, formative years learning to fail on a daily basis:  academically, socially, emotionally. Imagine going to a job for 13 years under those circumstances. Yes, as parents we were often torn to “let him fail” , so that he might understand the real-life consequences and learn to dig deeper to find his own inner motivation. But after 18 years of reflection, I am glad we delayed the experience of “failing”, and instead ”incubated success” for my son until he had a strong enough core belief that he could succeed at whatever he put his mind to.

2  READ and focus  on LIFESKILLS MATH   I know what I am about to say is heresy, but I personally wish I had taken my son away from school assignments more, to teach my son to read, and do simple business math transactions. Public school failed him on these key underpinnings, and we played catch-up for the full13 years, and will for the rest of his life.  After 18 years of parenting, I reflect that for an LD child,  school was primarily valuable  as a social experience.  The  academic part was lost because of distracting classrooms, and  because the teaching moved too fast to both comprehend, and also then to digest the information.  I watched as my son only absorbed what he was direct-taught, one-on-one, away from school.  I wish I had reduced all the school and homework hours, and the crazy number of assignments. This would have given us lots of “relaxed time” to work on the fundamentals of reading and lifeskills math.  Two books that make  a game of learning these skills are Games for Math, and Games for Reading, by Peggy Kaye.  Again, many parents do not have time, but food for thought:  one summer I discovered how effectively my son could learn in just 4 hours a week during only July.  That is just 2 hours on 2 days each week.  With no classroom distractions, and with direct teaching, by July 31 we were done and the following September, teachers were amazed at my son’s facility and independence with the material and his marks.  Another success and boost for his self-confidence.

3 DO NOT FORCE REGULAR SCHOOL PROGRAMMING  We were torn whether to integrate our son into regular programming, or to separate him out.  After 18 years parenting, I know with certainty that kids in regular programming will quickly identify my LD son. He does not “fly under their radar”.  As a result,  I am very glad  that for the most part, we moved my son into safe and compatible academic settings,  social groups, and camps, outside of regular programming.  There he found his friends. They shared similar concerns.  And compatible interests.  My son was able to shine occasionally, exactly as he was.  He felt that glorious feeling. This was key with self-esteem, and in belief in a kind world with supportive community.  My job was to monitor the situation so that it delivered those things,  and also to make sure there were challenges for my son to stretch and grow.  Here was  the safest and most beneficial place for him to more slowly learn skills for dealing with the real world.   In comparison, our experience with regular programming was brutal and destructive.  My son sunk to the lowest social denominator, befriended by only the unmotivated, anti-school, drug crowd.  He was painfully aware he was not fitting in where he hoped, and this caused him a lot of stress.  There was also daily bullying in the halls by average, socially inept and goofy teenagers who were looking to make themselves feel good by ”stepping on”  vulnerable targets.   I am grateful I quickly removed my son from this environment .

4 SAFE HOME.  I mean a loving and accepting place where anything can be discussed, and no one gets too mad.  At school my son was afraid to take risks with ideas.  Obviously, he was already different. Did he need more humiliation and isolation?   At home, he could,  ”kick around” ideas  and discuss whatever outrageous and ridiculous thing he wanted.  Parental calm and patience is required.  But the end result has been  that nearing 20 years of age, both my sons  still tell us virtually everything.  So we can truly help when needed.  And apparently, this kind of open communication may also be the bedrock for building resilience in kids.  Resilience is that wonderful ability to bouce back . Something we  all wish we had more of.  In his book, “The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness”, Edward M. Hallowell, MD reflects that children instinctively hide their disasters and suffer them alone and in fear.  But he seems to suggest that kids who learn instead to reach out and communicate the problem to a supportive community (ie. parents),will become more resilient in life.

5 PARENTS -TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.  I missed this class.  But hopefully you won’t.  Working passionately and tirelessly, I wore myself out.  This made me more of an irritable parent than I wanted.  Luckily (or unluckily) my husband was much more “hands-off’  through most of school, and as a result he is left with considerably greater resilience, and hence, a more even temper.   I now leave it to the two “men” (husband and son) to make life decsions for a while.  Although I occasionally notice hints of exhaustion creeping into my husband’s relationship wtih my son,  I can’t help but watch with interest  as my husband takes a more relaxed and philosophical approach.  For example, he allowed an entire summer off and then 4 more months for my son to fully experience all the trials and tribulations of the job search.  By the end, my son was literally chafing at the bit to get out there.  Granted the school system never allowed the luxury of this kind of time, but nevertheless there is much to learn from my husband’s intuitive approach. And since all 6 points require a parent in good shape physically, emotionally, spiritually, while it is true that nobody knows your child’s needs like you do,  if I had known then what I know now, I would have reached out much more for help from others: other families with LD kids,  tutors, camps, church, respite possibilities.  Anything to share the load. When I finally took this step, I found the independence was good for my son as well.  Reach for help where ever you can.

6 WE HAD A LOT OF FUN.   Maybe most important, I am thankful that we shared a lot of joy together. We baked cookies, took summer holidays, painted together, sang together, watched movies, took bicycle rides, lots of hikes, picnics.  We signed up for baseball, soccer, judo, piano.  And we took my son out of school for travel as the family needed it .  No one understands the  24/7 stress of living with children with LD or other  neurological/developmental disorders.  Often the disabilities are hidden, and parents don’t even share with family to avoid centering out the child in a negative light.  Anyway,  as a result of the fun, my son has 18 years of built-in expectation that there is joy and adventure just around the corner in his life. Priceless.

BIG SUMMARY   The above are guideposts.  I made lots of mistakes, and ontinue to do so.  But my son is managing. It really is going to be all right.  I promise.

Future Blogs:

• the elusive hobby – how?
• different parenting styles by father and mother.  Good or bad

I first read those words in a book by Dr. Larry Silver, a Child Adolescent Psychiatrist, (see Dr Silver at LD Online)  (Book: The Misunderstood Child: A Guide for Parents of Children with Learning Disabilities)  when my LD son was 16.  It was a life-changing moment for me.  The Dr. described how he had helped a young girl through her school years, and that she needed to return to him for help during her dating life,  her eventual marriage,  and her divorce years later.  It was suddenly clear.  My son’s LD was never going away. It would be with him and our family for all our lives.

How could I not have seen this before?

Probably because I was a mother, driven to find a “cure” for my beloved.  There was a second thunderbolt:  My son would need to trust others beyond my life.  I thought of him alone in later years.

At that I melted, and for one brief moment, I wished I had done things differently.  I wished that someone in the early school diagnosis in kindergarten had said, “LD is for life. Just accept it,” and directed me to spend all my days just accepting and loving my son. But where would that have got us?  And anyway, at kindergarten I was grieving over my son’s official LD label and the loss that it held, so I wouldn’t have listened anyway.  I was determined to thrash around for a “cure” no matter what anyone said

And after 18 years this is what I know. While there may be no “cure”, it was indeed valuable to thrash.  To challenge my son and his world to prepare my son for his life.  It was worth it to demand the best out of the school system; to tutor my son so he tasted successes; to find private schools when the public system failed him academically and socially; to try alternative health approaches; to reach out for special camps; to bring home ongoing stacks of library books  to entice him to read with me; to expose him to baseball, skating, soccer, skiing, judo, piano, saxophone, guitar, painting, travel.. in the hopes of sparking hobbies; to  encourage  friendships where ever possible. Whew. Did I really do all that? And while coping with the day to day, hour by hour emotional challenges.  Well, it appears maybe I was a bit driven.  But the results led me forward.

Yes, even after all that, 18 years in,  my son continues with social difficulties. Academically he continues with memory and sensory input/output difficulties. Reading will never be a relaxing activity. He still lags in auditory processing… But my son believes he can.  He has won at the core activity of  12 years of childhood: school.  He has successfully graduated high school. He has a few good friends. He has hopes and dreams. I look left and right, and see few LD kids so blessed.

So what now? We take a break and savour the success together.  And then we move forward with all the future challenges. Because that is life. With or without LD.

Future Blogs:

• tax planning and estate planning for LD children needing support beyond our lives
• hobbies over the years  – how?
• My husbands answer to establishing just plain love